Quick hello

Hi friends, I feel like I made a declaration about trying for a third baby (dare I even consider myself lucky enough for one let alone now a third). The fortune is not lost on me for a second. I have one child high functioning on the spectrum and one child via donor eggs and here I am, the luckiest Mom in the world. Truly.

anyway- just a quick update to let you know after all these years of Infertility my body still does not cooperate, even for a DE FET so cancellation after cancelation (both spelling versions are correct according to google) here I am. My body now wants to ovulate no matter what (I find this hilarious not annoying) so I am just plugging along and still showing up at baseline appointments until (if?) my body shows up to play.

I have very little emotion tied to the cancelations since I have the most good fortune at this very moment it is hard to feel sad and I certainly won’t let myself.

giving it the rest of the year to give it a go then will reassess. Just wanted to quickly update.

so much love to you all.

Donor Egg Decisions

**caution warning. This is not a post announcing a ‘P’ or anything but if you are in a vulnerable spot where hearing about expanding family decisions or multiple kids in one family please skip this. It is hard enough mentally to add anything that might not inspire or make you feel good **

 

So my husband and I are actually in a spot where we are considering baby number 3. It feels so surreal since I had to fight like hell for baby #1 and #2 but we have the unbelievable gift of more frozen embryos from our donor egg round.

We talked this weekend about whether we wanted to try on our own a bit first. I have severe DOR but it is not impossible one egg could actually sneak through if we tried on our own. After discussing it at some lengths we actually decided not to and instead go back for an embryo later this year. Crazy that we both actually want to pursue donor eggs over mine. I would never have thought that would happen. So here is why.

1. Our miracle baby girl is literally the BEST angel ever. She is healthy, adorable, kind, spunky, fun and just has this inner joy for life that sparkles around her. She came out perfect and has been every single day. Any chance at another Baby like her makes us so excited. (Side note: my own egg ivf miracle son is every bit as perfect in his own way so not a comparison to him).

2. We would love to have another member of our family share her exact genetics. I don’t envision her much caring about being from donor eggs since we don’t but you never know. I want to honor her journey and if she wants to be able to share this experience with a sibling with her same story I would love to be able to give her that gift.

3. Our girl is every bit mine. Every bit ours. It’s hard to fathom the fact that her origin of egg does not matter even a bit to how we feel, raise and love her but it is truly not even the smallest of detail to us. It just makes her a tiny bit more magical.

4. Trying with my eggs means first of all very little chance of success, secondly a high risk of miscarriage and over all high risk pregnancy. Just not worth the heartache since it fulfills zero desire in us.

5. The mental image of a little potential life waiting for us to go find it is so strong. It usurps all else.

So there you have it. Being a two time C-section and older Mama (turn 39 in October) I know a third baby is not a guarantee but we are going to give it a shot. Let me finally say— the miracle that I can be in this spot is not lost on me. Not for a second. I am humbled, grateful and, if I am truly honest, a bit guilty that this is my fortune. Love to you all.

It’s all about perspective

I have written about this his before but the concept keeps popping up all around me. I have a family member who is just deciding to try for a baby. Her innocence about it all is so foreign. Her concerns are around childcare, gender  (has not even had a positive pregnancy test) and other pretty minor stuff for those of us who have fought or are still fighting for a baby. I find it so hard to meet her where she is. I just want to tell her— don’t get too excited, or stressed until you are actually there because you have no idea if it can actually easily happen. Of course I don’t. No one wants to invite that gal to the party. I imagine her getting pregnant easily and then stressing about EVERY LITTLE MINOR thing ( weight gain, insomnia, sleep deprivation when baby comes, etc) all the stuff we all dream about will only stress her out and cloud her happiness and joy in the gift. I have seen it so many other times with family and friends. I end up feeling bad that they cannot truly comprehend and enjoy the incredible gift they have been given. Kind of a weird turn around. The infertile feeling pity for a fertile.

Thats because life’s it so darn hard at times and unless you have seen a struggle it is often very hard to recognize the good and feel the immense gratitude.

Another Mom friend had three kids in a row and is SO miserable. Her life is just one tantrum and one crying session after another and she just impatiently waits for the hour of the day before she goes to bed that she has to herself. This has been going on for years. How sad is that? Much more tragic than someone who fought like hell and now has a beautiful baby from a donor egg and marvels at her with gratitude during the happy moments and even a lot during the hard. Yet this particular friend has expressed sympathy and honestly major judgement of my situation. Crazy lack of perspective.

Anyway- just popping on here to remind you all that perspective is really hand in hand with gratitude. No one is guaranteed a “happy ending” to this hellish road of Infertility but we are given the gift of perspective. The ability to see the gifts and have gratitude.

 

 

Infertile AF

Checking in to share a great resource for those in the throes of it. Two ladies (one childfree by circumstance and one with miracle ivf baby) started a community to help support women facing infertility. Their approach is amazing because they don’t make blanket statements and they look at infertility at all angles. No surprise ultrasound photos or encouraging you to ‘just keep trying’. Their Instagram handle is @infertileafcommunity

Hi again

Friends, I just wanted to check in here in case anyone ever remembers me and wonders how we are all doing.

Short version: miracle baby girl is perfection and I just feel so darn lucky. Every day.

Longer answer: She is feisty and sweet and fun and so cuddly. She adores her older brother. She is mine, all mine. The Donor egg part of her story just never feels like it matters. Ever. Except when I marvel at her being created from three people. That’s pretty amazing. Older brother is so into her. Life is hectic and occasionally stressful with all the money it took to get us here. But truly all I feel is lucky. Ten plus failed IVF rounds. Three losses. Then Donor eggs. SO MUCH MONEY AND HEARTACHE and JEALOUSY and PAIN. All of it floats into the past like a hazy detail that just makes me so glad I am here. I think about those of you still fighting and still trying and still in pain daily. It’s not fair and I wish for the pain to be a hazy fog in your past one day too.

xoxox

Checking in

Hi Guys. I have been pretty MIA lately but honestly it is because I am just soaking up the now. The pain and agony of waiting to be a Mom and fighting through Infertility is so intense that I only want to share my thoughts on this space when I can honor that struggle and share something that can help others or commiserate.

I do want to share one perspective for those of you fighting to get to the other side. My one fertile friend who is on her third kid (ughhhhhhh) has no perspective of her fortune and is miserable and whiny all the time. It is hard to watch and makes me feel both empathy for her and angry for everyone else who would give anything for that gift. She does also always comment that my DE daughter looks nothing like me (duh) but all good there because I don’t have an egotistic need to see myself mirrored in my child but rather a curiosity for who they become in their own right.

I share this just to remind you that the women with growing bellies or kids in their arms may make you feel so sad or mad or jealous but just keep in mind, this pain and this road allows deep gratitude they might never know.

I am sending so much love to those of you still fighting.

 

ps (for those that follow me for my DE story) my DE perfect daughter is everything I ever hoped for and it still makes ZERO difference that we used donor eggs except to fill me with pride that we were able to make our way to her and marvel at who she is becoming.

 

xoxo

 

 

Happy ever after

It has been a beautiful and messy go around here lately. Beautiful because my deepest dreams have come true in the form or my miracle babies and messy because there is a lot that comes with that. Sick little ones, trips, endless needs and tiring all nighters and worries about money. All of that mess is my privilege and my honor but it is still sometimes hard.

It got me thinking about how people measure the good and the bad and the hard. When my baby was sick I just thought ‘all I want is for her to be healthy and I will just be happy no matter what’. But then she got better and something else stressed me out and I ‘just wanted that to be solved and then I will be happy’. You get the cycle. I started to notice it when I had my own scary health scare (I am totally fine) and realized I need to keep it in check. So everyday I reflect on the days where all I wanted was to be a Mom and it seems to shift the lens into focus and make my world feel bright and warm even when it might be a tough day. I remember that feeling of despair and hope. That cycle that takes you on a roller coaster of hell you never wanted to get on. The feeling of having to hide when you see someone ‘p’ or cry to yourself when another person around you becomes a Mom. The irony of not drinking because you want to get pregnant, not because you are. The wrenching pain of seeing a hint of a loss when you go to the bathroom early in a pregnancy. The fear waiting for a beta call, the air going out of your lungs when the Doppler is moving around to find a heartbeat. All of it. I think about it all, take a deep breath and remember that I am here, in this moment that I wanted so badly. It is a beautiful feeling to be in it.

Then I got to thinking about what life would feel like if I just had two kids when I wanted to. If it was just easy. I bet I would be missing some major perspective. I would bet staying up all night with a sick baby would make me so stressed and upset instead of give me that tinge of gratitude when I am holding her and tearfully realizing ‘wow, I have a baby’ (this feeling has never gone away, not even for my miracle 4 year old). I bet the money worries would stress my husband and I out instead of us both heart-fully agreeing having our family is a million times more important than being debt free. I bet some silly drama with friends or family would feel so big. I bet what would feel like a smaller struggle to be now would just feel bigger without the perspective.

I have started following and reading about women who are childfree not by choice. I have a sense of awe for the strength it takes but also like to see them emerge as women on their own right. Not as Moms but as complete beings. I find it inspiring. I bet for them having to totally shift what your life and identity looks like gives them something valuable. It forces them to re-paint how their world and their future looks like. The path may feel so hard at first but then maybe the whole big world opens up. They realize they have so many facets they never explored in the pursuit to a baby.

Anyway. A bit rambling there in the end but it has been a while since I shared my thoughts.

I know I have some fellow DE IVF readers so I find it necessary to once again state that my miracle DE baby is the greatest gift possible. She is all mine, all perfection and worth every last penny and sacrifice and moment. If you are the heart of things or facing a DE or alternative route. It is ok. It will be ok. It will feel so right. All my love.

Xoxo

Hi there

I don’t write on here very much anymore but wanted to check in. Before reading further, if you are someone who is still in the wait or not in a position to read about a parenting after IF post know I send my love and please skip this. I had another blogger make a pretty harsh comment on an old post and while I know her comment came from a place of hurt and frustration, I also want to be sensitive to not write anything that makes someone as upset as she was. I tried to glean any wisdom from her comment and move on. But it also kept me from writing more. I felt bad that my words made someone upset. I write on here to connect and help others.

Ok- anyway, long disclaimer 🙂

I just wanted to check in and let you know what life after IVF with donor egg is like a year later. Guess what? That specificity of how my baby got here means nothing. I forget about it and have to remember to start saying her origin story when I am putting her to sleep. I do this so her coming from a donor egg is just commonplace for her and just a nice bedtime story that she can do with what she chooses. For now, sharing the story as I slowly put her to sleep just fills me with pride and gratitude. She is perfection and we fought our way to her. She is my dream baby and I will forever be grateful. I marvel at every little bit of her and soak up this time.

So there you have it. My so good, very fortunate life update. Sending my love to all of you.

Different Paths

I know there are many different types of readers with different stories who come here.

I wanted to check in to clarify a few things after a fellow blogger commented on an old post.

One: not everyone gets a ‘happy ending’ in this hell of a road. I get some people have to choose to live again instead of circle around in this purgatory. That takes more strength and grace than I even have. My heart is with those of you who are forced on this path and find a way to cope and even truly thrive.

Two: there is way more to life than being a Mom. You can contribute to society, find happiness and healing and meaning in so many other ways. I get that and I know that. I hope that you are able to feel that even in the darkest of times.

Three: being the Mom of an own egg IVf baby and of a donor egg baby (life’s greatest gift) there is zero difference to me between the two. If you are on the donor egg path or considering it, from this one perspective it is all joy and blessing.

Four: I don’t know you or your story or your pain but I do know you are not deserving of this IF/ RPL road. No one is. I hope you don’t feel alone. Lots of love.

The hardest becomes the gift

***parenting after IVF Donor Egg/ I fertility success post. Please only read if that topic makes you feel good or hopeful. Guard yourself if it doesn’t.

 

I was waiting in a doctors office this morning: my toddler anxious and grumpy and loudly sharing this mood and my baby too hungry and too tired to eat or sleep. I got a number of pitiful ‘good luck lady’ or ‘glad it’s not me’ glances but all I really felt was grateful.

I am so lucky to be in these stressful Mom moments. So beyond lucky I have two miracle kids that need me (at all moments lately). And on top of it all, so lucky that all I feel in the hardest of moments is lucky.

This road to babies was long and awful and sad and expensive(!!) and pure torture but darn it if it didn’t just set me up for a life of joyful moments even when by all accounts I should feel misery.

Oh so eternally grateful that science and third party reproduction worked for me. For us.

My heart and thoughts are with those of you still fighting. Ever minute of the wait and the fight is so so hard. But darn near every moment of the after is so good.

 

xoxo